Over the last couple of days following Rob’s lay-off, the above verse is one that has brought me much comfort. Trying to grasp the weight and worth of these words, “my God will supply ALL YOUR NEEDS” is something I cannot consider lightly. But it is what the rest of the verse says, “ACCORDING to HIS RICHES in glory in Christ Jesus” that is so key and amazing to me. Because as much as I would want to define my ‘needs’ in the physical and worldly sense (health, food, home, income…) I know that is not the assurance I have claim to with this promise. Instead what is mine to take hold of with surety is on an internal level and not external. Grace, peace, hope, joy, faith, comfort, steadfastness, perseverance, character, faith… these are just a few of God’s riches that I can find when I draw near to Him. And it is with these, that God is able to give me what I truly NEED to endure difficult times.

That in and of itself is huge to me! And even though I can’t be guaranteed that tangible needs will be met, I am seeing in unexpected instances that they are. Out of God’s goodness, He HAS provided and IS providing more than just spiritual needs for us. These are just a few that are coming to mind.

*the compassion of others
We have been so touched by the ways others have wanted to minister to us. There have been many phone calls and emails with words of sympathy; just the simple act of acknowledgement means a huge deal to us. We have loved the invitations to just hang out, drink beer/wine, and listen (not give advice, but just listen) while we share our feelings and emotions. We are seeing the generosity of others as there have been offers to take care of our kids so Rob and I can have time together, expense free activities for our girls have been proposed, places of rest and retreat have been made available… wow! what loving companions are surrounding us with their affections during this time.

*Rob’s student loan from his master’s degree was paid off just a month ago.
To know that more than $30,000 went to pay off a debt over the last several years when it could have been possibly lost in retirement savings or on frivolous spending is an amazing provision! During this time of no income, we do not have the burden of a monthly loan payment lingering over us.

*We have already learned to live on a reduced budget.
In attaining the goal of becoming debt free, we made so many adjustments in our spending style to live in money-saving ways. With the disciplines we already learned in finances, we are more equipped and able to survive these times when money is extremely tight.

*We have been through the battle of a difficult marriage
Ha! I never thought the first 8 years of a bad marriage would be a provision, but it is. Out of that time, God’s purpose for marriage and family are now of utmost importance in our hearts and minds. God gave us victory just a few years back in becoming a couple that chooses to love one another during the unlovable moments, that desires to be supportive and caring toward one another, and that realizes that the best thing we can give to our children is to have a good marriage. I can’t imagine going through this time of uncertainty in the married life we WERE in. More than ever we need the power of togetherness and intimacy to make it through.

I know we will be made aware of so many more provisions and I pray that we (especially in the presence of our girls) will be mindful and thankful of all the ways He is providing (and has provided) for us. I want so much that we allow ourselves to see and display the goodness of God during this time.

The phone rang on Wednesday with the news. It was only 4pm, but Rob had called in the afternoon to tell me he was coming home. He needed to tell me why and asked if I was sitting down. Even coupled with the awareness of the time of day (before he usually leaves from work) and the sitting-down inquiry, I didn’t clue into the feeling that something somber was lingering in the air. I should have sat down. “I was let go,” he said. A silent gasp came forth before I told him I was so so so sorry, then I held my breath as he proceeded to tell me more. In and out of my surprise this is basically what I gathered. The company had stressed their apologies but explained that with the current economy, the work available was not so demanding as to need all the project managers they had employed. Rob was the newer guy at the company, and even though he had a higher title than most, there were others who could be paid much less to do the same work; in essence he was low on the totem pole during this time of slow construction and therefore the one who would be let go.

My first few thoughts while I waited for him to get home were surprisingly positive and trusting. I didn’t immediately start praying to get out of this situation but rather my first prayers were that the Lord would give us the right attitude and response as we go through this. I kept thinking that this time of trial would definitely give us a truer perspective on what really matters in this world and I believed that God could grant us a more grateful heart for all we have to be thankful for, even without an income.

But that was day one; and the feelings and thoughts that filled my heart then are not remaining constant in all my turmoil of emotions now.

A recent sermon I heard had described the psalmists as schizophrenic; going from one extreme end of emotion to the complete other side, in almost the same breath (“I trust you God…why have you forsaken me God??) And that is what I feel right now. One moment I am excited to see how God will use this for His glory, I feel steadfast in my faith, and without wavering I fully cling to the truth that “… tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope…(Romans 5:4) ” But those are all things to come and I don’t know how long it will take to get there. So when I think about the present, I see that I am overcome with much sadness, I feel alone and uncomforted.

Yesterday’s sermon at our church couldn’t have been more appropriate for what we are going through (you can click here to listen: “The Good News of Recession”). I believe there is so much God wants to do in Rob and me through this ‘recession’ we are having to endure. I know this will be a great refining time in the life of our family and only good things (God’s good that is!) can come from it. But the burden of “suffering well” is weighing heavy on me. I have never been one to depend on others (even the Lord) for comfort and support in the midst of trials. I want to be strong and independent and just focus on the end outcome (sometimes it is just my belief in the Bible about the life to come and can easily be comforted with the sole truth that this is not my home…). However I am realizing that I can’t in this situation; the Lord won’t allow me to be on my own and not receive from Him what is available in the present. To receive His best during this time I have to give up much of what I want so much to hold onto, in terms of my ways of dealing with things. So I am letting go…

I am letting go of my usual dead-end perspective that concludes ‘life is not fair’ and to just suck it up and deal with it. I want to just say ‘it is just a job – no big deal’ and compare my circumstance to those who actually have the loss of a loved one to face. But reality is, it is still a loss and it is OK for me to grieve over it and be sad. God wants to show me His love and compassion for me during this time.

I am letting go of bitterness. I have absolutely zero bitterness towards God (amen to that!) but confessingly, I have much towards people. Even though I was not treating this as a true affliction that warrants tears and sadness, I was hurt when others we have told behaved like I was, like it was no big deal. My attitude was not fair towards them and it is something God will be working to remove in me. As I am wanting to see the love of others through this hardship, I too need to be demonstrating love as well.

I am letting go of my tendencies to wear a false-front and make it appear that everything is ok on the outside, when it is not so on the inside. God has blessed me with friends and family that want to offer tender words of acknowledgement and their time to listen and pray for us, and I know He wants to use them to help me through this time. I pray that I will receive them gratefully, that I will be vulnerable and honest with what I am experiencing.

I know there will be much more learnings in the days, weeks (maybe even months…) to follow. But this is my awareness now of things I believe God is teaching me. My prayer is that Rob and I come out AND go through this in ways that increase our trust in Him as a Heavenly Compassionate Father who wants more than anything else for us than to be formed into His image. May we be pliable in His loving hands.

someday…

I will have baby books for each and every one of my kids! And even though this desire came about before Halle was even born, my high hopes at being able to accomplish such a task have sadly amounted to absolutely NOTHING in six years of parenting : ( I wish I could blame lack of inspiration, but it wouldn’t be so. The majority of moms I know have actually taken the time and effort to put something of significance together and now have volumes (and sometimes volumes and volumes!!) of very lovely scrapbooks to show for it and I am greatly inspired. So I can’t claim to be lacking for ideas in ways to use photos and cute paper and quotes that would creatively portray, from birth to present, all the memorable moments of my children’s existence. Am I a slacker? Most definitely!! But in this case, I truly believe there is something else in the mix for putting this off. I have to face the terms that it is really just too daunting of a task for me. Wanting to be somewhat on par with the scrapbooks I have turned the pages of, I know I placed demanding standards on myself. And because of that, I really think I know why I procrastinate and shy away from even beginning one. It comes from the fact that deep down, what is at work in this case, is this innate inkling that often (but not always) controls my determination and leaves many desires unaccomplished; it is where I cowardly conclude “if I can’t do it well, I won’t do it at all.” Pitiful!

But even more pitiful is what I currently would have to fork over to my girls if they were to ask where their baby books are. Sadly, they would not get the pleasure of flipping through cute and inviting pages of whatever sources documented their first year (my poor little ones are not so fortunate and blessed). Instead, to learn about their early days, they would be handed a stack of dull yellow-lined, two-columned steno notebook pads where they would have to suffer through my daily entries of their recorded poopy and wet diaper counts, nursing start times and duration, food and drinks I consumed throughout the day, and what the clock said every time they were “fussy fussy fussy.” Any milestones and highlights (like smiling, rolling over, sitting up, sounds and words…) of their first 15 months of life are posted sporadically within the information I was so obsessive in keeping track of.

You see, my experience with babies was seriously lacking and I didn’t realize how much and often a baby could cry until Halle was born. It seemed to be WAHHHAHHH all day and all night long! I didn’t see other babies doing this. Was I the culprit somehow? I became so determined to know if there was a correlation to her constant crying and the way her body was handling breast milk; and thus this obsession with data came about!! (Did we already cover the fact that I have issues???) Anyways, after months of recording just about EVERYTHING for Halle it was pretty clear that I was not finding any underlying results other than the obvious fact that babies cry (and I need to deal with it) but I still continued anyways. Day in and day out, I jotted my usual bits down. There was something comforting about it. I received some sort of odd solace from knowing that, even if I couldn’t control Halle, I could at least control the data I wrote down.

When each child’s nursing days were over, I would retire their steno pads and put them in a safe place. But that love of recording things didn’t also get put to the wayside. It was put to another use as I tried to keep track of as many words and phrases my girls might utter. Once we got into the talking phase of life (especially from Halle), I found myself with quite an accumulation of noteworthy quotes being acquired all throughout my day-timer. Thus the notion followed that perhaps this type of ‘data’ (in comparison with my prized steno-pad material) might actually be appreciated, and maybe even adored, by others. Especially grandparents. A gift idea quickly followed! So for the last three Christmases, a new tradition has been going on where HALLEISMs spoken during the year previous have been given out as presents. These were little flip books where all the favorite sayings (I was the judge) were printed individually on cute card stock and bound together so that they would look nice displayed on a desk or table top of an appreciative grandmother.

Now I know this doesn’t solve the dilemma of my girls not having their own books to look at. And Dee and Gracie don’t even have their own CHILDisms books (bottom line is because most of the words/answers/questions I adore from their mouths’ and have written down just don’t have they same initial effect when shared with others). Still at least one child can’t claim I am guilty of complete negligence. Halle is not at a total loss for memorabilia because there are a few relatives who can enjoy some precious moments of her life, in nice little books, anytime they choose. Maybe there will be a glorious day when I will be brave enough to tackle putting all things together for my girls! (maybe!!!) But until then, the below will have to suffice.

click here for

HALLEisms 2006_{*when Halle was three*}

click here for

HALLEisms 2007_{*when Halle was four*}

click here for

HALLEisms 2008_{*when Halle was five*}